strasvutsia russian
The machine 

When I was 22 I got involved with the Russian mafia. I was taking Russian classes at Florida state - on accident, I thought they were Spanish. Up until they put up a new alphabet, then I was like when did Spanish get a new alphabet? Somebody said to me, "this isn't Spanish buddy, this is Russian!" so I was like "then hasta luego bitch" so I got up to leave and the teacher stopped me, and she goes "listen, hold on, don't go anywhere, I need 14 kids to teach this class, so if you stay in this class, I'll give you a C" so i was like “strasvutsia bitches i’m back”

So i took russian 1,2,3, and 4,  never learned a fucking word. Got to russian 4 and they were like “hey do you wanna finish up your minor?” and i was like “Hold on, I’m getting a fuckin minor?” and they were like “yeah, if you go on this trip to russia with us, so i was like “Well let’s pack our bags bitches!”

So we went to russia, this is 1995, this is when the mob ran everything, and they told us that our very first night, they were like “Listen, the mob runs the entire place, so what we’ve done to ensure our safety we’ve paid them off, we’ve given them money to give us 2 young gangsters, these guys are gonna travel with us, they’re gonna live with us, they’re gonna do everything with us, to make sure we’re safe. But, these guys are in the mafia, you don’t talk to them, you don’t look at them, you don’t even make eye contact - if they try to talk to you you’re like uhh” and all i’m hearing the whole time is “let’s get to know THESE motherfuckers” So my very first night i grab a 6 pack of beer and a bottle of vodka, and I had a sentence planned, this is what i was gonna say “zdravstvuyte moye imya Bert eto priyatno vstretit'sya koshkaaaa” which means hey, my name’s bert, it’s very nice to meet you, i work pusssyyyy - Well it really means i work with cats but i figured they’d get it when i started (thrusting motion). Either that or they’d be like “don’t let him around your cat”. It doesn’t matter because the second the door opens and I’m face to face with a real russian gangster, with like the greasy hair and the wifebeater and the tattoos and the track pants, and he’s got a cigarette, and he just looks at me, a little frat boy from florida state, and he’s just like “shto.” I panicked, and everything i’d planned on saying flooded my head, and all i said to him, in russian, in his doorway, was “I am the machine.” He started laughing, he goes “what the fuck did you just say?” and then I just go “I’M THE MACHINEE!” and he goes “you tell my friends” and brings me in a room with 9 russian gangsters sitting around smoking cigarettes and goes “tell em what you just said” and they all look at me and i’m like “I’M THE MACHINE” and they look at each other and they’re like “Fuck it he is the machine!” 

So we drank beers all night long, and I didn’t speak any Russian, so every now and then i’d just jump in and go “uh uh uh - I’m the machine?” and they’d go “He is the machine!” This - i need to preface why i became such good friends with them - they’d never seen any of the movies we just take for granted. They’d never seen any of them. So you could steal from any movie, and look like a fucking genius. One night we’re playing pool right? and i’m good at pool, so as I’m taking shots, i start doing that tom cruise culver money shit, that “HI-YAH!” (swings arms over head like chopping something) and they were like “Who the fuck is this guy?” and my buddy Igor was like “He is the machine!” 
So one day, igor pulls me aside, cuz we have a trip planned to moscow, and he goes “I can’t go on trip” and I said “Why not?” and he said “Different mob for train, different mob for moscow.” I said “Well what’s gonna happen?” and he said “Don’t worry, i tell them about you, you’ll be fine.” Sure enough we get to the train, the whole class, and he pulls me aside and introduces me to our 2 new gangsters, Igor and Igor. I swear to god those were their names. And he says to them “Guys, guys, this is the machine. If you give the machine vodka, you’ll have a great time” Big igor looks like a kid in a candy shop, he was like “Oh I can’t wait to play with the machine!” And then he grabs me and goes “The machine does not sit in coach, the machine sits in first class with us.” and I’m like “This is what i’m fuckin talking about!” We roll into our first class cabin and it is pimped out, there’s booze everywhere, food, and here’s the real gangster part - everyone that works on the train, as soon as the train takes off, comes in to pay their respects. That’s right, ev- the fu- I swear to you right now, on my children, the conductor walked in - the train is fucking moving! The conductor walks in, rips off the lapel of his shirt, hands it to me, and goes “This is a present for the machine. It would be an honor to do a shot of vodka with the machine.” At this point i’m thinking “these machine stories might have gotten out of control.” We drink all the booze within an hour, and big igor goes “Fuck it, we go to the bar car to get more Vodka” and I was like like “Fuck it, i’m the machine, i’ll do whatever the fuck i want” 

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We roll into the bar car and it’s packed, and the second we walk in - oh my god, it’s like being famous, like everyone just stares and doesn’t make eye contact. And we’re standing at the door, and big Igor says to me, in russian, he goes “Machine, go behind the bar and grab bread.” And I just real quick i go “OK,” and as i’m walking i’m like “Holy shit! I’m learning russian! I know what he said, he said bread!” and i grab it and i go “Igor, bread?” and he’s like “Bread!” and i’m like “AAH! I’m learning russian igor!” He’s like “Good for you machine! Can the machine find cheese?” So i’m like “See, cheese! I got it! Gimme another one!” and he’s like “Vodka!?” and i’m like “I already know that one gimme another one” and he’s like “Grab the money!” and i’m like “what?...” He’s like “Grab the fucking money!” and i realize we’re robbing the bar car… And I’m the one doing it hooked on phonics style. I got bread, cheese, your money and vodka, I’m the machine, dos vidanya!

We walk out of the food car and one or two of my classmates see me and they just go “You are in fucking trouble.” We walk back to our first class cabin and within literally 5 minutes the head chaperone, who did not speak any russian mind you, she was a puerto rican chick from the bronx, she - her name was val - I probably shouldn’t use her real name… It was val. She opens the first class cabin door and she goes “you are coming with me right fucking now, this is bullshit, this is fucking- you! I am tired of this shit-” and big Igor takes a sip of vodka, spits it in her face, and says “No one talks to the machine like that.” I’m thinking two things, one: He’s obviously never met a puerto rican chick and two: i don’t really wanna be the machine any more.
He shuts the door in front of her and goes “fuck her, this is russia. Don’t worry machine, when it gets dark, we have a good time” I’m like “Woah, what the fuck are we doing when it gets dark?” He reaches into his pocket, pulls out a ring of keys, and goes “we’re robbing the whole fucking train.” And I would love to tell you that I stood up and was like “Not me, i gotta go work on my verbs”... But sometimes you just gotta fuckin rob a train. It’s like when you’re in that deep, really? Fuck it!  I was like “ let’s start with my class,” so… We robbed the train

Now, we go back to the cabin we’re fucking piss drunk, we’re so drunk we listen to will smith’s entire album like 3 times right? I remember at one point i said to igor “I feel drunk, i need to take a nap” and he goes “Oh, we have trick in Russia to wake up” Train’s going 90 miles an hour right, he grabs me by my waist and sticks my torso out the window (screams), pulls me in like “You awake” I’m like “yeah wide awake wide awake”

Pull into moscow at like 6 in the morning FUCKING PISS DRUNK, door opens, same teacher, different top, she looks at me and she goes “I just want you to know that I’ve alerted the police.” And I… Have you ever had like… you know those moments of clarity where it’s like… it’s almost like your asshole tightens so quickly it whistles… Cuz i look out the window, and there’s a cop, and he’s taking statements from my whole class, who are in their pyjamas and mad cuz all their shit got stolen, and apparently they don’t know snitches get stitches. And igor goes “Fuck her fuck them fuck the police, this is russia, i run russia, Machine? I take care of us!” and i’m like “no, you take care of you. Let me fuckin run”

He walks out with a cigarette in his hand, bottle of vodka, walks up to the cop, spins him around and starts yelling in his face, in front of my whole class, “Fuck you, fuck them, fuck - we.. Will fuck you in the ass! We.. will fuck your mother!” I don’t know if that’s what he’s saying, but it doesn’t sound like he’s saying “Do you like pizza? Cuz we… we have a really good thin crust pizza.” The cop, just all of a sudden turns and looks directly at me, and just, in russian - i don’t know how to say it but this is what it sounds like “PYO! ZYDEXS! KYDE!” like GET THE FU- it doesn’t sound like “You’re OK, stay there, don’t worry about it!” I walk off the train, to my class, who’s looking at me like “how could you have done this” and it’s that walk, it’s a come to jesus walk, where every step you can feel it, and you’re like “well, i’m going to jail… I’m gonna spend my senior year in the gulag taking dicks to the mouth” I get 2 steps from the cop and he just fucking closes the distance, and grabs me by the arm tight as shit, spins me away from my class, away from igor, gets right in my face and goes “So i understand you are the machine… Tonight you party with us.” So I went out with 2 cops and a plastic surgeon - to a strip club - second drunkest i’ve ever gotten, at the end of the night we leave the strip club, and the cop throws me the cop keys - piss drunk, i’m drunk - and he goes “You drive!” I was like “I’m not gonna drive a cop car drunk in moscow” and he starts giggling and says “Why not? I am police, what’s the worst that can happen?” and i was like “Fuck it, I’m the machine, let’s do this shit!”
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